About Heidi

I have a black thumb.

Plants DO NOT survive under my care.

Ask my husband. I KILL succulents. People! How do you do that?

Neglect. Forgetting about them. Not caring.

For a long, long time I mocked and made fun of the idea and even glorification of “seasons”. Phrases like,

“Seasons of change.”

“I’m in a rough season.”

“Every season has a beginning and an end.”

Blah, blah, blah.

I’m not quite sure why I had this irritated stance on the seasons analogy. But I’d guess it’s because I’ve been through some seasons. Some really hard seasons.

Maybe it’s the word season. It doesn’t sound as harsh as the experiences were.

Yet…I find myself in a season of massive change. Heart change. While everything from the outside might look like spring, there is a lot of winter consuming my heart and mind.

I’d feel safe in believing you have a lot of winter in your life, too. As I write this we’re just edging up on summer in Sothern California. It’s hot, and all the plants are in full bloom. It’s goreous here. And I find myself cold inside. Just yearning for that cozy blanket to keep me warm and safe.

What I’m really yearning for is peace. Calm. Predictability. Trust.

Love.

When we look for these comforts in people (our husbands, children, parents, friends), we are inevitably going to get hurt in some compacity or other. We’re all human and we hurt each other. And yet we love each other well.

When we look for these comforts in things or activities (shopping, drinking, gambling, sex, eating, exercise…you name your “thing”…maybe we can even call it you’re addiction), we will be dissapointed and quite possibly dissapoint others while using.

And then a season will begin. And it can be really rough or really beautiful. I believe they can be both at the same time. Somehow you get past the initial blow. You find yourself in the waiting. In the slow change. In picking up pieces, rebuilding, reprioritizing, regrouping. Remembering.

It can take weeks, months, years, maybe even a lifetime to go through seasons of change.

My long winters that stand out the most for me have been my parents divorce, not having strong father figures in my life, a past relationship with a boyfriend that became unhealthy, my grandfather’s dementia, getting endocarditis and having open heart surgery at 27, post partum depression with my first son. And this.

And while I’m currently in one of THE harshest winters of my life, I have been humbled. I’ve been stripped of MY THINGS (social media, scrolling, shopping, people pleasing) to be awakened and aware that I need to focus on the soil (I typed soul first). I need to focus on tending my ground. To steady my footing. To find my comfort in the ONE THING that can never dissapoint or foresake me.

And that thing is God’s Love.

He wants me to focus on the now. The thick of the season I’m in. Not how the season started or when it will end. No matter what, something good will blossom from all of this. I see the seeds being planted.

I will not forget. I will not neglect. I will care. I’m not talking about the succulents. I’m talking about me.